Thursday, July 30, 2009

A few recipes

So the last update was more of a historical-military one. I don’t have too much time, but here are those recipes I have been promising. Later on today I plan to hit up the internet café so maybe I’ll get a chance to do more of a free write later.

To start: Alex and Jake’s Totally Awesome™ American Pan Fried Chocolate Chip Cookies

Ingredients: One egg, the equivalent of a stick of butter, and a package of Betty Crocker cookie mix

Directions: Start by trying to guess how much a stick of butter is from a Kazakh butter bag. Don’t worry, this really isn’t such a big deal, since butter is bad for you anyway right? Go ahead and go with a bit less than is needed. The next step should be to mix the butter, egg, and mix, but since you’ve just gotten the butter cut out of the bag thingy, it’s still frozen. Get the bright idea of throwing it in the microwave for a bit. Take it out when you start to hear it sizzle (about 3-5 seconds). Then ignore the directions of the back of the bag, dump the back of cookie mix into a bowl. Then throw the still warm butter into the bowl and crack the egg and begin to mix.

Realize that hot butter+ chocolate chips does not go well and watch as the chips begin to melt and turn the mix brown. Decide what the hell and keep going. Get frustrated with how dry it still is and add some water. Mix until it looks like cookie dough. Give it a couple of tastes to make sure it is cookie dough (we want to be one hundred percent sure that somehow the bag wasn’t a dud or something). Realize then that you do not have an oven and debate on whether or not to save the mix, bring it to school and see if one of the students will make it for you or simply just eat the dough raw.

Come up with brilliant idea! Get a pan out, throw some oil into it and a spoon full of cookie dough. Try to keep the dough in the shape of a cookie. When it starts to bubble like a pancake, flip it over. Keep checking it and as the cookie slowly starts to turn black on the other side, take it out ASAP before you completely ruin it, you g-d idiot! Put it in a plate, apprehensively grab a spoon and split it with that that bumbler who almost burned it. Realize it is freaking amazing—warm like a fresh cookie, but still soft and gooey like cookie dough. Make another and enjoy! Then realize that what everyone says about American stuff being too sweet is true and get a stomach ache. Vow to never eat two cookie blobs again. Freeze leftovers for use later or just general snacking.

Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookie Variant:

Realize some of your mistakes from last time, be more careful with the molten butter, follow the directions on the back of the mix (slowly stir dry ingredients into wet ingredients) and follow same step as above. Try to cook it the same way, but realize that the oatmeal makes watching for bubbles difficult so just keep moving it around and flipping it. Take it out when it starts to get really brown on the outside. Eat it and realize that it’s even better than the other one because: A. It has oatmeal in it, which totally rocks and B. It’s crispy on the outside and gooey on the inside. Freeze the rest. Awesomeness™.

A last final homemade concoction: Alex and Jake’s Totally Awesome ™ Waterless Stew

Ingredients: Anything you have in the fridge.

Decide to use up a lot of the left over ingredients in a final stew. Check the fridge and see that you have some cabbage, potatoes, onions, three whole heads of garlic, two beers, some permini, some sausage, macaroni noodles, and these small things that are kind of like noodles but these tiny little round things. Feel bad that you didn’t go for a run in the morning and ask Jake if he’s all right to get it started while you run (in the rain). Come back and see that Jake’s almost done cutting up all the vegetables and that he’s already started boiling the beer. Make a roux for him and then help him add all the veggies. Realize you have run out of room in the pot. Keep cooking anyway and when final product is done, it should be too thick to be a soup, but too wet to be a pan fry. Enjoy!

I'll try and get another post later on this afternoon, maybe about the more mundane stuff as dad asked. Later all!


  1. Alex, you should make a cookbook of your experiences! You take raw ingredients and combine them in new and interesting ways! Keeps me laughing. Love,

  2. Alex, change of plans for Seoul. Elley's dad will meet you at the airport. Contact Elly to give her the flight info; I also have phone contact info for her dad, so get in touch with me. Hope you are enjoying Almaty.

  3. Alex-- new, new update. Elly's dad is sending a van. Look for a driver with your names on a sign.

  4. He can't make cookies out of a bag. Dad, your son might be an idiot. When you come back home I'm giving you a crash-course in cookie baking. So embarrassing. And thanks for the room! Guess what...Dad even put up a ceiling fan! :P

  5. Thanks Dad, please try calling again.

    Also, Sarah, thanks for your insightful comment. I would love to get a crash course in baking things without an oven.

  6. I was referring to where you put the chocolate chips in. Honestly.

  7. Whatever, you said baking. Anyway, the cookie chip messup was Jake, he threw our lump (no definite measurement) in the microwave.